I spent the tail end of last year cycling through numerous emotions. I was a whirlwind of so many emotions that I could have probably filled several books. Finally, now, I stand here to tell you that all of the emotions, all of the drama, the heart ache, the frustration, and just the fucking disaster of it all is finally coming to an end. How long did that take, you ask? Oh, you know, only 7 or 8 months. So, if you’ve been tagging along for the ride for as long as it’s been going on, just know that it’s ending. It’s all drawing to a close. So, through the different emotions I felt, I shall discuss with you some of the events that transpired.
Marriage is a terrifying thing. If you never take any of my advice via talking to me or reading my posts on here, listen to me on this: Never ever ever jump into marriage. Do not. Think about it first. I don’t mean spend a couple of months writing your name out with his last name and knowing that you for sure want his last name. No. You have got to think about every aspect of it. Does he love me? Will he take care of me? Will he hold me when I wake up crying after a nightmare? Will he still find me attractive when I’m older? Will he stand up for me and defend my honor? You’ve got to turn over every single question and look at it from all angles. You’ve got to even think about the worst outcomes. You’ve got to make a gigantic web of every single event and how it could unfurl. If you don’t, everything falls apart. Do not go into marriage thinking that because you love that person, you should get married. That is not what marriage is about. Marriage is something so much deeper than that. I won’t be able to explain that part. You just know. Trust me on that one. It will come at the most inopportune time and it will hit you so fucking quick you won’t be able to see or think straight. That, my dear readers, is fucking terrifying as hell.
Though I thought it at the time, the planning process is definitely not the most terrifying part of it all. The planning process was daunting. It was messy. It was hard to keep everyone on the same page. At the end of the night on November 17th though, the wedding was awesome. The reception was awesome. Everything was just awesome. I remember sitting in the dressing room at around 4:00 (the wedding was at 4:30), thinking mothershitfuck. I was absolutely terrified of what my wedding would turn into. Would it be anything like my vision? Would it crash and burn? Would everything turn out wrong? Would everything turn out better? Would Brandon be there at the altar when I appeared? Would Brandon say those words? My stomach was in knots, I turned into a cobra, and then, I just zoned. I zoned and smiled and zoned some more and smiled some more. And then, I got married. And then, I fucking balled.
Things end. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the best. There are always those paths you think you’re going to take. You know (because you’re stubborn) that you’re hard-wired to take this road and things are going to go like this or that. What you know is wrong. It will always be wrong. I spent a lot of last summer in a sort of limbo. Who do I trust? Who actually doesn’t mind listening to me ramble at midnight on the phone? Who actually gives a shit about me? When that’s finally unveiled, your stomach forms this blanket of knots. Those knots form bigger knots. Those knots obtain cousins who are second cousins with other knots. It’s a process. I spiraled. I spiraled downward pretty hard and I went into this weird place. I can’t really explain it. Towards the end of the summer, I had thought things were fully mapped out, in regards to my disposition and overall attitude about life. I had acquired a happy place. In the midst of a short few weeks, my best friend (and band mate) of 2 years moved away and thus dropped out of my wedding, my bridesmaids dresses needed to be ordered and no one had money to cover them, my cousin had committed suicide, and I had just started school. I lost it. I was at a point where I’m not really even sure “upset” could fully define the feeling. I was just: “….. as;dlkjra;ekj !!!!! ???? !!!” Something like that.
I don’t get angry often. I am nice to anyone and everyone that crosses my path, if they treat me with the same respect. Sometimes I am even nice to people that don’t treat me with the same respect. I was raised to “kill them with kindness”. Killing people with kindness rarely works. They never deserve it. They use you because they see you as weak. I did this for a very long time. This tested my patience, as I was planning a wedding all while trying to keep everyone happy. Catie told me several times to stop being Faren and just be a bitch. I couldn’t do it. I can’t find it in my heart to tell people how I feel if it’s bad. It makes my stomach queasy. That’s when things get… sticky. See, the problem with being nice is that it starts to wear on you after awhile. That person (or people) fuck(s) you over so many times that it all starts to build on top of each other. Let’s call this Frenemy Jenga. That onepiece gets taken out and everything just goes to shit.
That’s where I was about 3 weeks ago. I blew the fuck up. I blew up so hard that I almost got in trouble at my job. I had every reason to blow up. I had bottled everything up for so long and just took it and took it. That one piece, no matter the size, just throws everything else off. I am sorry if my angry post a few weeks ago concerned any of you. I was not in a very good place. I have since deleted it. It was an eye sore. I got too many questions that I felt didn’t need to be answered. It’s my business. I just needed a place to spill out all of my angry thoughts. I won’t go into specifics. While I care about all of you, you don’t need to know everything. All you need to know is that I was hurt very badly and then, I reacted.
I will not say that I was in the wrong to feel those things. I am not saying that. I will never say that. I had every right to feel the way that I did. I was betrayed. How do you expect someone to react when they’ve been betrayed? Just sit there? I have done that sitting thing for far too long. It’s time for all of it to just go away. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be upset. I don’t want to be terrified.
I just want to be me. I want to go back to right before last summer. I want to rewind and do everything differently. Instead of walking away from Coffee Grounds after drinking that coffee with Raven, I want to beg her to stay in Indiana. I want to show her how much her moving away would change me. I want to tell her that my wedding would be so lost without her. I want to tell her that losing her would mean losing the only music I felt I was capable of making. I want to visit my cousin and tell him that life is beautiful and so is he. I want to tell him of those times in drama club when we felt invincible, when we felt like stars. I want to tell him that he’s important and that he’s capable of so much more than he’s aware of. I want to hold him close and tell him that while our family is a mess, he always felt like a steady companion.
You want to know the most terrible part of it all? I wouldn’t change it.
I never would.
Though it was such a heartbreaking experience, I know that Raven made her choice to leave. Though it felt so naked and soul-crushing to see my cousin that I grew up with in such a place of finality, I knew that he’d made that choice.
I am now at a place to where I can look back and see that while a lot of the past 7 or 8 months has been a total mess, I’ve never been so strong-willed. I’ve never had such a balanced state of emotions. I’m… good and it feels good to finally feel that way after everything is finally drawing to a close.
I’ve obtained so many wonderful friends throughout this entire experience. Though most of them are via text or FB chat, I consider all of you family. Jake & Mark: You guys accepted me for the geek I am right off the bat. For that, I thank you. You guys are just as weird as I am. If not, weirder (I’m looking at you Jake AKA Regina George). I adore you guys. I hope we can go on more coffee excursions. Josh, Clint, and Nathan: You guys are baller online/text best friends. Though I know you guys probably get frustrated that it shows I’m online when I’m not or you text me and I don’t respond right away, I also know that you guys are still there for me. You should also know that I’m always here for you as well. I don’t care if you’re dealing with a stupid girl or think your problems are dumb. I sure don’t think they are. This applies to all 3 of you. I care about you guys. Don’t go anywhere. Catie, Kyle, April, Andrew, & Phil: You guys are my family. I love all of you. You helped pull my wedding off and without you, I would not be here in one piece. I have a weird kind of love for each and every one of you. That’s something that can’t ever be replicated or replaced.
And Brandon: I never need to tell you how much you’ve done for me, but you’re a damn superhero and everyone needs to know it.
So here I am. Take me or leave me, bitches.