Sometimes you fight battles with all of your strength. You feel yourself emanating glory and power. You are in rare form. You are super.

And then, you smell the concrete right before your face hits it. Blood squishes out of your nose and lands in intricate patterns along the ground. If it wasn’t your blood, you’d snap a picture for FB sharing purposes. But. Well. Gross much?

That’s when you feel all of your adrenaline seep out of your body. Your confidence crawls away. Your pride follows close behind.

Your soul, however, is the key here. It is just dancing away. It’s singing your praises, because you made it. You overcame your fears. You pushed forward and even if you didn’t win, the point is you fought for a change.

You fought for a purpose.

Who cares if your teeth get smashed through your upper lip? Who gives a shit if everyone thinks you’re a fucking moron because you stood against the “unbeatable”?

You’re a fucking beast.
At the end of the war, you came out victorious, even if the rest of your body did not.

You are a rare beauty that’s not been uncovered for many years. You are a fighter and people don’t know how to deal with those these days much anymore.

So even if you get your body torn apart, just remember even if you “lose”, your soul says you’ve won.

I spent the tail end of last year cycling through numerous emotions. I was a whirlwind of so many emotions that I could have probably filled several books. Finally, now, I stand here to tell you that all of the emotions, all of the drama, the heart ache, the frustration, and just the fucking disaster of it   all is finally coming to an end. How long did that take, you ask? Oh, you know, only 7 or 8 months. So, if you’ve been tagging along for the ride for as long as it’s been going on, just know that it’s ending. It’s all drawing to a close. So, through the different emotions I felt, I shall discuss with you some of the events that transpired. 

Terrified.

Marriage is a terrifying thing. If you never take any of my advice via talking to me or reading my posts on here, listen to me on this: Never ever ever jump into marriage. Do not. Think about it first. I don’t mean spend a couple of months writing your name out with his last name and knowing that you for sure want his last name. No. You have got to think about every aspect of it. Does he love me? Will he take care of me? Will he hold me when I wake up crying after a nightmare? Will he still find me attractive when I’m older? Will he stand up for me and defend my honor? You’ve got to turn over every single question and look at it from all angles. You’ve got to even think about the worst outcomes. You’ve got to make a gigantic web of every single event and how it could unfurl. If you don’t, everything falls apart. Do not go into marriage thinking that because you love that person, you should get married. That is not what marriage is about. Marriage is something so much deeper than that. I won’t be able to explain that part. You just know. Trust me on that one. It will come at the most inopportune time and it will hit you so fucking quick you won’t be able to see or think straight. That, my dear readers, is fucking terrifying as hell.

Though I thought it at the time, the planning process is definitely not the most terrifying part of it all. The planning process was daunting. It was messy. It was hard to keep everyone on the same page. At the end of the night on November 17th though, the wedding was awesome. The reception was awesome. Everything was just awesome. I remember sitting in the dressing room at around 4:00 (the wedding was at 4:30), thinking mothershitfuck. I was absolutely terrified of what my wedding would turn into. Would it be anything like my vision? Would it crash and burn? Would everything turn out wrong? Would everything turn out better? Would Brandon be there at the altar when I appeared? Would Brandon say those words? My stomach was in knots, I turned into a cobra, and then, I just zoned. I zoned and smiled and zoned some more and smiled some more. And then, I got married. And then, I fucking balled. 

Upset.

Things end. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the best. There are always those paths you think you’re going to take. You know (because you’re stubborn) that you’re hard-wired to take this road and things are going to go like this or that. What you know is wrong. It will always be wrong. I spent a lot of last summer in a sort of limbo. Who do I trust? Who actually doesn’t mind listening to me ramble at midnight on the phone? Who actually gives a shit about me? When that’s finally unveiled, your stomach forms this blanket of knots. Those knots form bigger knots. Those knots obtain cousins who are second cousins with other knots. It’s a process. I spiraled. I spiraled downward pretty hard and I went into this weird place. I can’t really explain it. Towards the end of the summer, I had thought things were fully mapped out, in regards to my disposition and overall attitude about life. I had acquired a happy place. In the midst of a short few weeks, my best friend (and band mate) of 2 years moved away and thus dropped out of my wedding, my bridesmaids dresses needed to be ordered and no one had money to cover them, my cousin had committed suicide, and I had just started school. I lost it. I was at a point where I’m not really even sure “upset” could fully define the feeling. I was just: “….. as;dlkjra;ekj !!!!! ???? !!!” Something like that. 

Angry.

I don’t get angry often. I am nice to anyone and everyone that crosses my path, if they treat me with the same respect. Sometimes I am even nice to people that don’t treat me with the same respect. I was raised to “kill them with kindness”. Killing people with kindness rarely works. They never deserve it. They use you because they see you as weak. I did this for a very long time. This tested my patience, as I was planning a wedding all while trying to keep everyone happy. Catie told me several times to stop being Faren and just be a bitch. I couldn’t do it. I can’t find it in my heart to tell people how I feel if it’s bad. It makes my stomach queasy. That’s when things get… sticky. See, the problem with being nice is that it starts to wear on you after awhile. That person (or people) fuck(s) you over so many times that it all starts to build on top of each other. Let’s call this Frenemy Jenga. That onepiece gets taken out and everything just goes to shit.

That’s where I was about 3 weeks ago. I blew the fuck up. I blew up so hard that I almost got in trouble at my job. I had every reason to blow up. I had bottled everything up for so long and just took it and took it. That one piece, no matter the size, just throws everything else off. I am sorry if my angry post a few weeks ago concerned any of you. I was not in a very good place. I have since deleted it. It was an eye sore. I got too many questions that I felt didn’t need to be answered. It’s my business. I just needed a place to spill out all of my angry thoughts. I won’t go into specifics. While I care about all of you, you don’t need to know everything. All you need to know is that I was hurt very badly and then, I reacted. 

I will not say that I was in the wrong to feel those things. I am not saying that. I will never say that. I had every right to feel the way that I did. I was betrayed. How do you expect someone to react when they’ve been betrayed? Just sit there? I have done that sitting thing for far too long. It’s time for all of it to just go away. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be upset. I don’t want to be terrified. 

I just want to be me. I want to go back to right before last summer. I want to rewind and do everything differently. Instead of walking away from Coffee Grounds after drinking that coffee with Raven, I want to beg her to stay in Indiana. I want to show her how much her moving away would change me. I want to tell her that my wedding would be so lost without her. I want to tell her that losing her would mean losing the only music I felt I was capable of making. I want to visit my cousin and tell him that life is beautiful and so is he. I want to tell him of those times in drama club when we felt invincible, when we felt like stars. I want to tell him that he’s important and that he’s capable of so much more than he’s aware of. I want to hold him close and tell him that while our family is a mess, he always felt like a steady companion. 

You want to know the most terrible part of it all? I wouldn’t change it.

I never would.

Though it was such a heartbreaking experience, I know that Raven made her choice to leave. Though it felt so naked and soul-crushing to see my cousin that I grew up with in such a place of finality, I knew that he’d made that choice.

I am now at a place to where I can look back and see that while a lot of the past 7 or 8 months has been a total mess, I’ve never been so strong-willed. I’ve never had such a balanced state of emotions. I’m… good and it feels good to finally feel that way after everything is finally drawing to a close.

I’ve obtained so many wonderful friends throughout this entire experience. Though most of them are via text or FB chat, I consider all of you family. Jake & Mark: You guys accepted me for the geek I am right off the bat. For that, I thank you. You guys are just as weird as I am. If not, weirder (I’m looking at you Jake AKA Regina George). I adore you guys. I hope we can go on more coffee excursions. Josh, Clint, and Nathan: You guys are baller online/text best friends. Though I know you guys probably get frustrated that it shows I’m online when I’m not or you text me and I don’t respond right away, I also know that you guys are still there for me. You should also know that I’m always here for you as well. I don’t care if you’re dealing with a stupid girl or think your problems are dumb. I sure don’t think they are. This applies to all 3 of you. I care about you guys. Don’t go anywhere. Catie, Kyle, April, Andrew, & Phil: You guys are my family. I love all of you. You helped pull my wedding off and without you, I would not be here in one piece. I have a weird kind of love for each and every one of you. That’s something that can’t ever be replicated or replaced.

And Brandon: I never need to tell you how much you’ve done for me, but you’re a damn superhero and everyone needs to know it.

So here I am. Take me or leave me, bitches. 

Well,

I’m glad that’s officially over and done with.

:) 

Bye! 

The only advice I feel I can give to you today is simply just:

“Be caring, even when you don’t feel like caring. It could change that person’s day, or maybe even their entire life. You have no idea how much your words can change a person’s attitude about life.”

I’ve decided that setting my goals to unattainable time limits is a waste of my time. I am going to realistically set goals for the next 3-4 years time. 

Goals:

-Finish Mysterious Young Things - send it to publishers.

-Graduate from ISU or some college that will allow me to graduate from it.

-Apply to be an event or social media coordinator somewhere in TH, Plainfield, Indy area. 

    -I will go ahead and elaborate on this bullet point. I have decided that this is my purpose in life. This is going to be the thing that defines me. I’m a network whore, it’d be dumb to waste it. I want to eventually coordinate concerts, geek conventions, maybe even weddings. I feel like this is going to be the thing that’s going to finally bring me the satisfaction that I have been hoping for. I’m not happy just being a sell-out journalist. That’s not going to get me fucking anywhere. I want to plan things like Gen-Con, Comic-Con, Chicago Comic-Con, or bring really great performers to Indiana like The Narrative, Satellite, and other really bad ass bands.

-Start my band, develop our YT page and stick with it.

   -I’m looking at you, April.

-Finish Kyle and I’s book.

   -I say, start the brainstorming process in the summer and get it finished by next summer.

-Get my screenplay All The Pretty Cinders out to director’s hands (screenplay is near completion).

-Get a reliable car with a lot of space and also make sure Brandon’s car is fully functional.

-Travel a lot with Brandon.

   -Not anywhere necessarily far. Just to get a different view. Just to feel something else other than Terre Haute normalcy.

-If at this time all of these above goals are accomplished, I want to have a kid.

    -Yep. You heard me. I want to have experiences and satisfaction with the life Brandon and I are leading before any of that. I want to be able to relay this to my future offspring. I want to be able to tell them what a freaking bad ass their parents are. Because let’s face it, we’re kinda bad ass. And seriously, can you imagine the cuteness that would come from that? Blue eyed and ginger, I’d hope. 

-Start on my next novel.

These are my goals.

I’m going to accomplish all of this.

I am beginning to not understand what life is. Or really just what I’ve been doing for the past 6 years.

Am I chasing a dream or am I letting it chase me?

I don’t really get what I want out of life, but I know it isn’t anywhere close to here. I want to run really far and not regret it. I know I’d regret it even if I prepared myself for months.

I feel like I’ve been preparing for something big to just barge into my life, and I’ve been satisfied, thus far, with being in the dark about what it was.

I don’t want to be in the dark anymore. I want to know what my purpose is.

I’m not satisfied with just letting a college degree deem me fucking worthy anymore. I used to be. Back when I was naive as shit and didn’t understand how money worked. Back when I let everyone else decide what was best for me. Back when I just went through the motions.

I’m not okay with just doing everything you’re supposed to. I don’t want what every person at this stage in their life wants.

I want to fucking experience life. I want to go out there and get fucking immersed in culture and art until my head explodes. I want to do stupid shit and write really awesome stories and have someone give a shit about how I felt.

I don’t want to sit in a classroom pretending I’m learning when I’m really just doodling funny faces and lyrics all over my notebook. That wastes not just my time, but everyone else’s time that has tried to contribute to my education.

Word.

I should have never done that.

I literally went through all of the FB messages I have ever had sent to me. My “initial” reason for doing so was because I was going to “clean out my inbox”.

Right, Faren. Sure.

I ended up reading a lot of them. They took me back through old relationships I’d entirely forgotten about, good theater memories, career opportunities, the short-lived organization Equality Speaks,girl drama, and of course, boy drama too.

I read through dudes calling me “baby” and “dear” and chicks calling me “twat” and “cunt”.

The first message I’d ever gotten (which, of course was the last message I read) on FB was in 2007. It was within the first week or so I’d signed up. It was sent from this dude named Kirby. I’d almost entirely forgotten about him. I met him at a drama conference when I was a senior in high school. I was on the executive board for the conference which basically entitled me to do really cool, fun things like plan the entire thing.

So I basically knew everyone, including the lighting crew for the conference. Kirby was on this lighting crew. He was about 4 or 5 years older than me. He was very charming. He was also very perverted. He would tell me I was super hot and tell me how much he wanted to screw me. He’d also try to persuade me into screwing some other dude and then screwing him so he wouldn’t be the one to take my virginity away. Me being a dumb, naive teenage girl I basically just giggled and shrugged it off since an older boy was giving me attention.

So, he had messaged me and told me that we could never hang out, but that I could hit him up. (I probably had suggested that we hang out sometime even though he was a scumbag. Which, obviously, this would have been a very bad idea). He included his number and then, ended with “maybe you can get that fuck you’ve been wanting. Lol jk.”

I don’t even know, dude.
It just hit me so weird.

It brought back other memories I had tucked away in my head from all of the other drama conferences. Like the time the other girls on the exec board set up a conference-wide dating game for me because my skeezy ex boyfriend was at the conference.

It’s where I met the cool, long haired Vans wearing dude, Dan, who recited a poem for me in front of all of the conference.

And the shy, goth dude, Michael, who came up to me and said I was pretty and asked me to dance.

It was also where the teacher who was super hot and I kinda crushed on hardcore told me he liked me. He never went anywhere with it. It did happen though.

It just makes you think. I was in an entirely different place in my life then. I had the stars in my eyes and my head in the clouds. I knew nothing of growing up. I knew nothing of real love. I really didn’t know anything.

Thinking is such a pain.
I don’t suggest it.

Whenever I entered into the unholy kingdom which is becoming a twentysomething female, I packed light. I had no common sense, no solid likes or dislikes, responsibility, or maturity. I was petrified. I was lost. 

So, dear Tumblr follower, I have compiled a list of very important things to bring with you when you enter your twenties.

1. Sarcasm. When I entered my twenties, this is something I acquired and it has been very essential. Being snarky and sarcastic about everything has helped me develop a better outlook on life, in general. It also has stopped me from taking myself too seriously. (Did I mention that Juno came out at the exact right time for me and basically taught me this life lesson?)

Humor. This goes hand in hand with sarcasm. For example, without humor, you could never develop a good retort to end an argument with your significant other. For example, this one time, Brandon decided that he’d had enough of Jasper getting into the blinds. He had come to the conclusion that a CAT would stop doing this by throwing him onto the sofa at full force. Brandon does this and is practically seething. I stare at him and say in ultra serious dead pan, “Oh my god, he looked like a bungee jumper.” Brandon could not hold it together. Instead of blowing up on your significant other or friend, try to deal with most situations humorously. You only live once. You only are in your twenties for a limited time, live it up. You’re not dead yet. 

Thick skin. I am still working on this. With my twenties, came an overwhelming amount of baggage. The biggest thing I have had to deal with is ex significant others and friends from high school coming back into my life. Once I moved to college, I changed. I got new friends, changed my style, and started developing the foundation for my career. Without thick skin, these skeletons do nothing but poke at you and hurt you. You will whine and cry at every “big meanie” that comes out and bites you. Do not be this person. You will come to hate those kinds of people.

Single status. This is merely a suggestion. This may not even apply to you. I know of a particular follower that I’m thinking of right now that should just continue on to the next section. Just keep going, April, nothing to see here. Looking back, I really wish I would have stayed single upon entering my twenties. I was a sophomore in college, I had no sense of who I really was, I had a really weird slightly psychotic boyfriend, I was kind of all over the place. When finally crossing over from teenage-dom, you start to freak out because you suddenly feel a sense of purpose you didn’t feel you had before. You feel a little naked, but not the good kind. The “Holy fuck, everyone’s looking at me” naked.  It’s weird, but it’s almost better to go it unattached, if possible.

Career Choice. This is something I wish I would have had: a solid career choice in my head. At 24, when people ask me what I want to do with my life, I still answer, “Everything.” Because I literally want to do everything. I want to write, sing, dance, act, design, file, and doodle my way though life. I have noticed that my other fellow peers already have a solid job and got out of college within 4-5 years. I am not that person. Learn from my mistakes, people. Do not decide that you want to do everything imaginable and then still be stuck in college nearing 25. 

Friends. Make sure that you have a solid foundation of friends. These friends will pick you up, make you smile, and be there with you no matter what. They will allow you to dye your hair orange and just simply say, “Yep. That’s totally you, Faren.” They will be in your wedding even when it’s not something they fully understand. They will laugh at your really bad jokes. They will pick you up when you’ve had a really terrible day. They will help guide you through those awkward phases (aka my really awful “scene kid” phase). Yeah, I still have friends after that. They will become your family and you love them as such.

Just remember that becoming 20 is something to cherish. It really isn’t scary, it just feels ultra liberating. Do remember that you are still young. Don’t get too much of a big head and think you’re gonna be somebody now since you’re not a teenager anymore. You are still you. Just one year older and one more year closer to 21. 

I hope this helped. :)

I hate when people just assume they have you all figured out.

Don’t just think you know me just because you met me once.

I am not a typical chick. I do not rely on my husband to do everything for me. I am not a housewife, nor will I ever be. I am too much of a wild card to ever be okay with that kind of a restraint.

So, just because I am a married female, don’t think you have me pegged, you ignorant asshole.

Ugh.
Also, never do that assumption thing when I’m bleeding. You can fuck off.

Kay? Thanks.

I hate that I have to stay away from all social media the night of a t.v. episode of a show I watch (tonight’s ex: TWD). I can’t watch it when all of you do, stop doing play-by-plays and ruining shit for me!

I want to actually enjoy it with a fresh mind like you get to. How would you feel if I did the same? Wouldn’t like it, would you?